Drunk Vibrations

So the time has come for me to write the first entry to my blog. I have been mulling this over for about a week now with absolutely no clue how to start. I suppose I should just stick to a scripted topic of some kind like other bloggers I know. But what is the fun in that? So here I am, about to devulge to you the ridiculousness of my life.

I recently graduated college. And like many other college graduates I have fallen under the unfortunate circumstances of moving back in with the parentals...

So the other night I decided that it had been too long since I had had a decent night out. I invited my best friend, C, from high school to go out to a local club. And when I say club... well, that is a very loose term. Let me paint you a picture. We get there expecting to see a line out the door. No line. The bouncers look like they're napping. But we park and strut up to the front of the building, both of us wearing obnoxiously high black stillettos. The club is empty. The bar has a few middle aged men and women, who aren't even trying to hide the fact that they're staring at us. Throwing back a few drinks we get lost in conversation, forgetting that we're in this "club" surrounded by people our parents' age. So we're sitting on our barstools and one of the bartenders who we had been oogling over comes around behind us. I am in shock. Is he coming over to talk to us because he's interested? "Excuse me ladies, I need to clear those barstools". AW whatthefuck. I slipped off my stool utterly embarrassed as he ushered the stools to the back room.

Things got going around 12:30AM. That's when people started dancing, so that being the reason I came to the "club", we made our way to the dance floor to shake... what our mothers gave us. It wasn't long before I saw two creepers on the move. Like lions hunting gazelles they moved through the crowd toward us. They were definitely European, like off the boat European. The blond was the more attractive of the two and of course he wrapped his arms around C. His ugiler brunette friend seemed to be stuck with me by default. I wasn't about to be rude, so we danced until he started to get a little too touchy feely. I stepped back so there was more than a foot between us and after about a minute he had vanished and was replaced by a scarier version of himself. The new guy leaned in, "I'm his cousin, he had to leave for a minute". REALLY? The ugly dude just passed me off to his even uglier cousin. hell no.

 I  lean in, "I'm not trying to dance, I'm gonna go to the bar".
"Baby, let me come with you".
"Yeah, no thanks."

I turn to leave and my friend looks like she is having her face eaten by the blond.  I remove myself from the dance floor and watch C, who has reached her alcoholic limit , if not surpassed it. I, on the other hand was stone cold sober, seeing as I was the taxi tonight. Then C ran off the dance floor headed toward the bathroom, so I waited outside. 15 minutes later still no C. My phone vibrates. I get three texts in a row from her:

Where the fuck are hou???
G son, please? Im so drunk and he kpet buying me drinks
Trying to fcuk me in the dsnce floor? Tstes like coffegrounds andcigeaeettes

My phone vibrates. She's calling me. "C, are you still in the bathroom?"
"Yeah an Imma superr drunk"
"You're not sick right?"
"Nooooo, I'm juss peeein"

I grab her as she stumbles out of the bathroom, mumbling gibberish. I pull her through the crowd towards the exit. She stops and I turn to look at her, C's face looks like she saw a ghost. "Ohmygod, that's the guy I saw earlier today, but I don't know his name. He's sooooo cute". She runs over to talk to him and I follow. As it turns out this guy and his friends were a year above us in high school and I vaguely remembered all of them.

We're finally in the car and I turn to C, "What happened with those guys? They just walked away..."
"I KNOW RIGHT?! I THINK HE WASN"T INTERESTED. I MIGHT HAVE SCARED HIM OFF."
"Why are you yelling?"
"BECAUSE I'M SO ANGRY!!"

The Grand Finale to the night....
The windows were open in my car as I was driving C back to her house. There was a very potent smell wafting in through the windows. And she says "What's that smell? Smells like that blond guy".
"Um C...that's a skunk"

Love taking care of my drunk friends.
Until we meet again.

K